I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Mom said you looked used
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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