Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
