sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
