I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
