My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
