My liver just broke up with me...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
