Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
