i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
