I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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