apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
