I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
