Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
