I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
