my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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