do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
