she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
