Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Send help, water and tortillas.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
