listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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