R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
