We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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