I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
