I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I think im going to throw up on grandma
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
