my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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