took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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