I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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