i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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