a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
