If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
