Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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