That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
