Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I can feel your judgement through the phone
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