I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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