I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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