Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
