Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
