I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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