Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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