So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
