Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
