I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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