This is not my ceiling
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
