i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
