i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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