I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
