I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
