and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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