I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
