here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
