Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I want a musical about memes.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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