Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
