I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
