Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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