i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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